MARRIED AT 23

A few years ago, marriage was something I never really thought would be for me.

I have been raised by a single mother. My father was part of our lives for a while before he bailed on us. Since then, we have never even had a conversation. He is still friends with my mother though and am grateful he did come through for me when I got sick a few months ago so father, wherever you are…thank you for that.

Back to my story. When my father stopped supporting us, things became very hard and unbearable for us. Throughout the years, my mom had to work and toil very hard for us. She has literally carried me under her wings since then (in other words I have been seriously babied). I love my mom there is nothing in this world I wouldn’t do for her. So anyway, I grew up believing marriage is just a superficial institution. I have never in my life desired that kind of commitment.

I remember the last time we had a conversation with my partner before I left campus, we had agreed that we would give each other between 2-3 years before we decided to settle down together. Of course I was really afraid of this but at the back of my mind I asked God to help me change my stance on marriage before then.

Do you remember when I told you that I made a terrible mistake when I decided to flee home?

So, after I left home, I strayed for a while before I finally landed at my partner’s house. Other than my best friend, no one else knew where I was. It was difficult to trace me because I had changed my phone number and only my partner and best friend knew of it.

We began living together. Remember this was something I sincerely feared my entire life. It was hard adjusting and the illnesses that come with pregnancy didn’t make it easier for me. The financial struggles made it even more unbearable. I used up all the money I had set aside to help me transition from campus, paying for hospital bills. It was unfortunate that I got pregnant at a time when operations in public hospitals were crippled by doctor’s strikes. I significantly lost weight in the first 3 months.

I wanted to go back home but I felt that I wasn’t ready to face my mum with the truth. I knew the only way I could face her was if I had my partner present with me. For some reason, I always imagined that my mom would kick me out and that would be the end of us.

So I started to pressure my then boyfriend to plan a trip home so that we could inform my mom of my pregnancy. My partner consulted and he decided to involve his parents in it. I honestly don’t know what I thought, but at this point, I wish I packed up my stuff and just went home to face my mother’s wrath alone.

So somewhere in April, we made the trip to Nakuru. My partner’s parents were accompanied by a friend while my mom on the other hand had invited few family members and a friend. All of a sudden, it became such a huge and traditional occasion. Peace of advice to all young women out there, sometimes we want to ditch those retrogressive traditions and do things our own way but it may never work because African traditions are significantly etched in our lives and whether we like it or not, our parents do believe in them.

So between me and my partner, we knew that this occasion was meant to inform my mom that I was pregnant and so we could all decide how to proceed from there. When we finally got home, I couldn’t believe the kind of reception my mom had organized for us. Being a caterer by profession, every detail had been planned to precision.

The tension within that room was so high I could feel it in every bite of food everyone made. My boyfriend was so tense the whole time we were eating he didn’t say a word. I tried to laugh, make conversation here and there but I was so anxious and tense I felt sick. We ate, we drank, then came the dreaded time.

Do you recall the friend who accompanied my boyfriend’s parents? He is the one who was chosen by his parents to spill the beans. When he started talking I clenched my fists and I could hear my heart beating. My boyfriend too was so uneasy he couldn’t lift his head to face my mom and family.

After introductions and a brief conversation, it was time to reveal the purpose of our visit. Blatantly, he said, “We are here today because our children have decided to get married”. What!!! I couldn’t believe what I heard so I turned to my boyfriend in utter shock and confusion. I don’t think anyone saw it but tears did swell up in my eyes. He continued on and on about marriage and so many other things but I promise you I didn’t hear a word he said. At that moment, I knew I could never go back. Just like that, we were forced into marriage.

When we got back to Nairobi, I couldn’t wait for a chance alone with my boyfriend and ask him what had just happened! To my surprise, he was also as confused about the whole situation as I was. To this day, I honestly wish I handled things differently. I wish I was brave enough to face my mom alone without complicating things. I wish I stayed home. But it was too late. As I found out with time, I couldn’t undo what had been done.

Please don’t get me wrong, I do love my partner. I just wasn’t ready for marriage. From then on, our relationship has been such a struggle. This thing people call marriage is an institution I have come to abhor. I hate that my boyfriend and I only settled together because I got pregnant. Our relationship did not get the chance to go through the entire process. One minute we are dating and enjoying each other, the next minute, we are married and falling apart.

I became so conflicted. More so because I knew that I was completely dependent on this man for most of my financial needs. Till today, this is such a huge issue of contention because growing up, I had vowed that I would rather be a single mom than depend on any man for my needs. My pride has made everything even worse. There are times I feel stuck. There are times I feel like a beggar and so, I try as much as I can to avoid situations where I have to ask for something for myself. There are times I feel like he intentionally makes me beg to hurt my pride. There are times I wish I could go back to my mom because either way, she is still taking care of many of my needs, at least until I gain some financial stability but now, it is more complicated than ever before. So you are probably thinking why not just go out and find a job? I promise you with time I will explain why I haven’t done this yet.

My partner is such an amazing and honorable man. Sometimes I feel like the world did him an injustice by meeting someone as complicated as I am. I have taken him to hell and back literally. When we were dating though, things were so smooth and easy. Our circumstances have complicated our relationship.

Since I started seeing a counsellor, I would say I am now open to try and make this complicated come we stay union work. It has not been easy. I still cry about my situation but not as much as I used to. Through counselling, I am learning to put myself in my partner’s shoes, see him as my friend and not my enemy. For some reason, I just used to feel like he was an antagonist in my life.

For this to work, there is a lot we need to work on. I most especially want it to work so that my baby can have what I did not have. A functional family. I acknowledge that depression had driven us apart. So I am learning that for us to save our relationship, I have to seriously work on myself.

During one session when I explained to my counselor, how we ended up married and how I felt about it, she was just like, I am so sorry for what you went through. I can only imagine how lonely you must have been. For the first time, I did break down because I knew that she felt what I had gone through. I was like…thank you for taking it from my heart straight to your mouth. This has been the loneliest journey I have had in my life. I was lonely, sad, conflicted and so depression slowly but steadily started to creep in.

Ladies and maybe gentlemen, loss is not just in death. This was spectacularly echoed by my counsellor. I experienced loss. I lost my values, I lost my goals, my dreams, my visions. I lost my way and just when I thought this pregnancy had spanned me out of control…Bam!!! I was married off. Okay…maybe I somehow married myself off.

Before I sign off today, one thing I would like to tell you all, pregnancy should never be a reason for two people to settle together unwillingly. Marriage should not feel forced and it should never be perceived as a way out. I know this all too well. Despite or in spite of the pregnancy, give your relationship a chance to take its course naturally and if it does lead to marriage, well and good. If unfortunately, your baby’s daddy decided to bail, don’t dwell on it. It might not seem like it but I promise you if it is in God’s will, you will find your own. You will settle down and your baby will have a chance to experience true love from two people who actually love each other and are not struggling to co-exist.

Thank you so much for stopping by today.

Yours Truly