It didn’t take long for me to sink into depression. One minute I was a bubbly, optimistic, future-oriented girl with so much hopes and dreams for the future and the next minute I became a hopeless, pessimistic and deeply disturbed girl. I was more than glad I didn’t have a mirror in the house because I couldn’t stand to look at myself (as I write this I have an assignment from my counsellor to get a mirror just a small one and look at myself every day when I wake up. I still haven’t done this because I don’t feel like am ready yet. Maybe I will do it tomorrow but today, I don’t think I will).
I completely locked myself in the house. I didn’t want to leave. I didn’t want to meet people. I had changed my phone number and besides my best friend Naomi, no one else save from my partner had my new number. I deleted my WhatsApp account and I deleted the phone numbers of very many people in my life. Many are the times I wished I could go to an isolated island and just live there on my own.
I wish I could blame it on the pregnancy but you will come to know that the notion couldn’t be further from the truth. I was constantly worried. How are we going to survive on one person’s salary in Nairobi? How are we going to buy all the things we need for the baby? How will we pay for the hospital bill? After the baby comes how will we survive with the salary from my partner working for a retail chain store? All my worries were based on the fact that we were really struggling to make ends meet. I had exhausted the little savings I had in my account.
I felt helpless, overpowered by my situation. The greatest mistake I made was allow myself to become a victim of my own circumstances. There is something about depression that just sucks life out of you. I would cry every day. Every single day till my baby was born 2 months premature there is not a single day I wouldn’t cry. It had nothing to do with the hormones and if they really did affect me maybe to a very small extent.
It strained my relationship with my partner and I can’t remember a time when we were genuinely happy. We argued constantly and I could feel resentment slowly creeping in between us. He has an 8-10 job working Monday through to Sundays including public holidays so that meant I was constantly alone in the house. I felt lonely most of the times but many are the times I was just glad that he was away because it hurt more when he was around. Most of the time we were always silent. Sometimes, I would just provoke him, hurt his pride just to punish him. My counsellor says that hurt people will always try to hurt others.
The only good thing is that I would encourage him to talk to the baby every day. This really came in handy at a very dire time in our baby’s life.
My thoughts always oscillated between giving my baby up for adoption or moving back in with my mom. I felt the environment would be too toxic for my baby. I had a problem with almost everything concerning my partner. His lifestyle, his friends, his family, his house, his furniture, his attire. I mean everything concerning him would give me a reason to attack. I would get scarred very easily and very small things would really hurt my feelings. To this day I am actually convinced that had the baby not come early, we would have parted ways. It wasn’t his fault though and now through my counselor I have come to realize it wasn’t my fault too.
I wish I could tell you that I am completely okay now but truth is, I am still on a roller-coaster. Depression is not something you can simply just snap out of. It is not something you can just wish away and everything goes back to normal. But now I am facing it head on. I am more aware of myself now than I probably was a few months ago. My counsellor is simply a gem to me right now.
As you almost conclude reading through this, don’t be so quick to judge. Don’t be harsh and don’t compare me to someone you know after all, this is MY story.
Thank you for stopping by today.
Yours truly
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