When you are young, news about pregnancy is often met with mixed reactions not just from you but also from those around you. From my experience, I came to learn that this was one of the most important phases of the entire process. How I wish I handled things differently.
One spontaneous, ill-advised decision caused a ripple effect that spanned completely out of control. I wish I told more people closest to me about my pregnancy. I wish I didn’t run. I wish I didn’t hide. I wish I didn’t hibernate.
My mom and I had a very good relationship after all it has just been me and her for the most part of my life. She is all I had and I was all she had. I thought that I had disappointed her. I had just left school, I had not even graduated and in fact my course project was not even complete and yet here I was 2 whole weeks pregnant. (It’s amazing how emotional am getting by just reminiscing on this events) Anyway, my immediate reaction was to flee. The problem however was where would I flee to? The events that unfolded during this time are etched so vividly in my mind.
Remember in the previous article how I said I had to make a very important call? This was the call to my baby’s daddy. Before I move on I would like to let you know that my baby’s daddy was my long-term boyfriend. We met about four years,5 months ago. From the very first time we decided to start dating, I knew this was the kind of guy I would like to spend my life with. At the point we were in our relationship, I knew he would take responsibility for the baby and he did.
The information kind of caught him off guard. He refuses to admit this and still insists he knew it was coming but what puzzles us is the fact that there is nothing we did not do to try and prevent the pregnancy. I promise you we did try. We failed of course.
Let me fill you in on our story;
Please refrain from laughing because I assure you it’s quite laughable. So my partner (he graduated from boyfriend to partner after we got ‘married’) is one of those very rare guys who are impeccable faithful Catholics so we decided to abstain until we were officially married in church. This had worked for a long time. In December, he moved into his own crib and I promised to visit him after I left school (terrible idea). I did visit in January and being the human beings that we are, we got comfortable in each other’s arms. One thing led to the other (no need to get into the details) and we ended up breaking our commitment to God (by the way, once you make a commitment to God, you better not break it because the repercussions are haaarsh!!!! I assure you). Once we realized the terrible mistake we made, I opted to take some emergency pills because I wasn’t sure where my cycle was at. Within 12 hours I had taken the pills and I knew I was okay so from that day I just rest easy. I either didn’t read the instructions, or I seriously misused those pills or my fate had been sealed a long time ago because clearly, they didn’t work. It’s cool though. Now I can make fun of the whole situation.
I remember clearly the conversation we had. He was in a business meeting by the time I called him. He sounded panicky (he vehemently denies it) but I could hear from his voice that he had panicked!!! He re-assured me before he told me he would call me back as soon as he was done. Those forty something minutes felt like eternity. He did call me back and he told me not to worry, that we were going to figure everything out.
I did not feel like being alone so I called my best friend she was and still is my ride or die. I asked that we meet in town. Am originally from the quiet and peaceful town of Nakuru. In Nakuru, it just takes you 10-15 minutes to get to town. I was so anxious and nervous to get there. We met at a certain fast food joint and she ordered for something to drink. I couldn’t order for anything because I was so nervous that I couldn’t even eat. She kept talking to me but I never heard a single thing she was saying. My mind was all over the place. So I decided to show her the pregnancy results.
When she saw positive I remember her naively asking “Gosh! Wee ni mgonjwa wapi? (Gosh! Where are you sick?)” I just started crying before I told her that its written PT test. Her mood changed immediately. I could see she didn’t want to tell me something that would break me. Her immediate reaction was “we are keeping this pregnancy”. Abortion had never been an option for me. She then told me that whatever happens she would help me raise the baby (whenever I remind her about this we really laugh) but it is the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me. On this day, we hatched an escape plan. I knew I couldn’t stay home because eventually my mum would find out. She had acquired a new sim card for me and that is how my story began.
This girl has got a story so full of drama that it almost seems unreal. There are times you will laugh with me, there are times you will cry with me and there are times you will be so angry with me you would wish to smack me. It’s okay though, sometimes I wish I could smack me too.
A week later, I moved to Nairobi. This was the beginning of the most difficult, the most excruciating and confusing time of my life. From then on it was just a free fall down the cliff.
Earlier on I mentioned that I wished I handled the situation differently. The ripple effect was so severe that this year I decided to seek the services of a counselor. I did sink into depression in as much as I would like to deny it. Up until my baby was born all I could see was gloom. I lost purpose in life. My spirit died before my soul gave in. I became a body with no spirit and no soul. Now that I think about it, am surprised that I never tried anything to harm myself. There is a reason for this though. I never ever wanted to harm the baby because I wouldn’t forgive myself if I did him wrong.
At the back of my mind, I have always known that the baby is innocent. He never asked to be conceived. He didn’t choose his parents and he never chose when he wanted to be born. For this reason, I could not purposely bring any harm to this unborn child…
Thank you for checking in.
Yours truly.
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