TRIPLE THREAT

I scratched my head hard enough while trying to come up with a cheesy topic just to pomp up this topic. So why triple threat? Like so many other people, I grew up an only child to a single parent.  Oh! And I come from that community with so many stereotypes concerning women. Yes, I come from the deep ends of Kiambu.

Since I can remember, my father was not really actively involved in my life. He supported us in my initial years of life. I don’t know much because I never asked too much. I however had to grow up fast because at some point, I realized that life had completely changed for us. We no longer had the things we used to have. I could no longer have everything that I wanted (I was a spoilt baby). Slowly by slowly, I was getting lost and at some point, I never wanted to stand out any more. I changed schools to go to boarding school because I wanted to be home less.

At that point in my life, I didn’t know who to talk to. How do I let out this pent up anger that I have against him? Most of the times, I hated him for cutting us off. Other times I got mad at my mom for not doing more to get his attention. Sometimes I hated myself for making him a part of my life without him actually being in my life.

As the years passed by, the resentment grew. Now that I am self-aware, I realize that the whole mess left me more broken than I would like to admit. His partial presence affected me more than his actual absence did. I never understood how a person can sire a child and not really feel an obligation to at least show up once in a while.

So I grew up and I realized that it was more complicated than I thought it would be. I tried to reach out at some point but it didn’t work. Twice actually. Life has an amazing sense of humor and guess what…he is now my neighbor.

I told my friend that a lot of us come from dysfunctional families. Some people grew up without their fathers, others grew up without their mothers while others grew up without both. Then there’s this group that grew up in toxic families. All of us were affected in some way. There are those that learnt to cope, there are some who overcame all that and became better people. There are those who thrived in spite of this circumstances.

Then there are those of us who are only getting to discover the void that was left within our hearts. We are the exception I like to say. Those of us who turned out ‘fine’ on the cover but deeply wounded in side of us. We hurt easily. We cry easily. We feel inferior at times. We look for safety and support, love and compassion wherever we can because in some way, we are trying to compensate for something.

So I am saying it, growing up without my father has affected me in a way. Probably in more ways than I would like to accept. I am learning to confront my imperfections to avoid hurting the people that I care about. To avoid expecting too much from them. I am not sure if it would have made a difference had he been very much actively involved in my life.

If he ever gets to read this, I would like him to know that I forgive him. I wish him well and most importantly; I want him to know that little girls need their father’s love.

So, again, why the triple effect? Because growing up with a strong single mom as an only child is a tragedy or a blessing that will cause havoc, mayhem and beauty in the person you become.

Thank you for stopping by. Yours Truly.